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Jennifer Ann's Journal

Friday, October 3, 2008

12:48PM - Growing up...

Well it's been forever since I've written in here.
And a lot has changed in my life since my old "puppy love" days obsessing for that jerk named Torrey...

I was truly caught up in something I "thought" was amazing...and when it all ended, I kinda still thought I lost something spectacular.
But when I finally stood back...cried all my tears I could cry...I realized that Torrey and I just weren't a good match.
Yeah, we had fun with one another, were attracted to one another, and we both had conservative minds...but that doesn't necessarily mean we were meant for eachother.
Torrey and I had more underlying issues than I had ever thought we had...
And they all came to surface when things came crashing down in May 2007, when he broke up with me because I am Catholic.
As much as he might want to say and/or think that wasn't the reason...it was.
He was only kidding himself when he claimed that my religion would have been a problem in our future engagements...
For someone who was becoming a newly devoted Christian, how could he say that it wouldn't work because I am Catholic. Christian, Catholic..yeah their are some differences...but no matter what religion you are...don't we all worship and glorify the same thing at the end of the day?

Well, it doesn't matter now...and I can't even say that I care anymore..because I don't...
Torrey has issues, and it wasn't just what happeend to us at the end. There was more to it...
Now when I look back at all of our "stupid" fights when we saw one another...not only was I just baffled that we managed to fight everytime we saw one another, despite only seeing one another for four-seven days every 3-4 months, but it was what they were about.
He, in a way, wanted to control me.
Always had to know everything...everything in my past..and every little detail of my present and future.
I had nothing to myself, and if I did...I had the guilty feeling like I should have told him.

But, it's part of growing up...with each relationship you learn more about yourself, and you begin to visualize what the true "ideal" man in your future should be like...

And that ideal man, ladies and gentleman, is my current boyfriend: Justin A. Rand. Things weren't so conventional when Justin and I met...nothing was planned..and if you would have told me when I met him and even when we started dating..that he would be my bf and he would be "the one" I wouldn't have believed it. But he is :)
Meeting him, falling in love with him has truly made me realize how a woman should and CAN be treated. He is SO good to me...and it's an understatement.
He takes care of me in so many ways, and he loves me for me.
He never wanted to know details about my past relationships..he wasn't going to judge me for mistakes I have made in my past...all he cared about was the present..and us :)
It was so refreshing..and it just makes me beam!
I get mad at myself, thinking back when I was with Torrey and how I told myself how "ideal" he was..and how he was the one...boy was I wrong..I was in a haze...or on cloud 9...because he doesn't even compare to Torrey.
Justin is an all around awesome guy.
He's well rounded..comes from a great family..with morals and conservative values...he's even going to RCIA classes to become a Catholic.
It's truly awesome.
He loves me so much, and I love him completely.
When I try to picture life without him, I just cant...it would never happen..and I mean it this time..before when I was with Torrey..even though I said I couldn't picture life without torrey..I could..there was always something in the back of my mind that said "what if"..but with Justin I have never felt that way...it just could never happen...we could never just be friends..or strangers for that matter...
it's something so undescribable until you have something like this.
Words cant describe it..and I'm not going to try to anymore.
I'm just going to sit back, and smile..knowing in my heart that I'm truly happy and I deserve this. :)

Current mood: complacent

Thursday, November 16, 2006

2:12AM - I'm so in love...

So my trip to reno was really bittersweet.
It had it's ups and downs...
but, ultimately it was a good visit.
It really opened my eyes to a lot of things.
I realized a lot about myself AND Torrey && I's relationship.
I love how every visit we have is so [as cheesy as it sounds] life changing.
I cherish every moment I have with him.

Things don't always go the way we want them to on our visits...
yet, they always seem to be spectacular!
The most important thing is that we both realize how much we love one another...
and we are both in this relationship for the right reasons...
and are NEVER going to give up on eachother.

That's gotta be the best feeling ever.
To know with every inch of your mind and soul that the person you are so in love with,
is just as in love w/ you as you are them. ;]
To know that we both realize that all the pain we are enduring,
by NOT being by eachother's side everyday [w/ the 3,000 miles between us],
isn't a catalyst to our amazing relationship.
It gives me such peace of mind.
I love waking up everyday and NOT having any doubts about what Torrey & I have.
What we have is truly amazing.
We are both SO blessed beyond belief.
I don't go through one day reflecting on how far we both have come
&& how lucky I really feel to have him by my side [even tho not physically].
To think that in 6 months I will be done with school && I will finally be starting my life with him...
my lover...
is just a dream come true.
This juice was SO worth the squeeze.
And I won't spend one day in my life taking what we have for granted because of how far we have come.
I know how bad it feels to NOT have him with me when I want him here...
to kiss...
to hug...
to wipe my tears when I'm upset...
to make me laugh uncontrollably
or cheer me up when I'm down...
to rub my feet && tell me how beautiful I am even when I think I look like crap.
Words can't describe how amazing he is
&& words can't describe how much he means to me.

Life is SO good right now.

[But I MISS HIM SO :(]

Just 4-5 more weeks && I get to see ma Puffin again!

night folks!

Current mood: sleepy

Friday, November 3, 2006

10:35PM - life is good.

life is really really good right now. In fact, it probably couldn't get any better. I got my internship w/ the tpd, I'm gonna see my bf in 4 days,&& i get to see my grandparents that i havent seen in a while after that!
so excited.

i miss my man so so much.
we really need this visit.
like whoa.
im gonna cherish every moment i have with him when im there.
im only gonna be there for four whole days!
i know i always tend to say im gonna cherish every moment...
but, i REALLY mean it this time.
im gonna appreciate every second spent with him.
Being with him is AMAZING.
He is so incredible.
I feel so blessed.
Life is SO good right now.
[eeeek!--can't wait]

Current mood: excited

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

12:24PM - eeeeekk! :];]

k so--lemme tell u how happy i am?!
these next couple of weeks are gonna be so great--
&& it's mainly because i get to see my bf after them!!!
the mullet fest is this weekend [ohh gettin drunk w/ my old friends is gonna be AMAZING]
Shiny Toy Guns show tonight [so stoked]
like my FAVE band to see live--it's gonna be AWESOME
thenn---Halloween is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER
&& i REALLY need to look for my damn costume
my friends steph wants to be nikki hilton & wants me to be paris with her-but i just dont know what the hell id wear
i mean--it can't be THAT HARD-but still-i dont want people askin me all night"what the hell are you supposed to be?"
hmm what else what else
more home football games :]
reachin the halfway point in school ALREADY
can't believe that fall semster is ALMOST OVER!
this year is gonna fly by so fast i know it--
i know im gonna miss college one day
[gah, i miss him so much]

i love fall
i forgot how much i enjoy the fall time
the weather
the holidays
right now im in my living room--its so pretty outside-the windows are open
&& fresh air is billowing in...
its overcast outside
kinda yucky lookin
but i love it anyways
&& my mom bought us this cinn. broom for our livin room && its in the corner of the room && it smells SOOO YUMMY

nothin really to say
i just hope that the TPD woman calls me back about my internship
i know my background check is gonna be fine
so i'm not worried
i just wanna hear her say, "we've accepted your internship application!"
it's gonna be so much fun next year
im so excited!
wellll...nothin else to spit about
[all boring anyways]
soo---laterrrrrr :];]

Current mood: content

Thursday, October 12, 2006

9:40PM - ehhh... BLAH.

im so ready for this week to be over with.
i feel even more stressed out this week than I was a couple weeks ago when I had 5 tests!
it'll be good to go out tomorrow & have some drinks
&& seein my fam on sat. [when they come visit] will make me feel better too.

i envy this woman i met today.
on my way back from the mall i saw a new vintage place that opened off of Gaines.
my eyes seriously lit up with a quickness.
That's prob one of my fave things to do...
go vintage shopping...&& tally has some GREAT shops.
this woman who owned the shop was so sweet--
she told me that it's been her dream to open a shop
&& she's been collecting for years!
she had awsome stuff.
that would be so fun to travel the world collecting stuff--and then opening your own vintage shop-altho, i think my prob would be selling all that awesome stuff i found thru the years.
i dont know how she parts with some of it.

anyways--i got a really awesome jacket & vest
im excited--i want it to get cold
i love fashion.
too bad i can't sew.
Then I'd make some of my own stuff.
one day :]

welll back to studying for me---wish i could go out- but i know i'll be kickin myself in the morn. if i dont stay in & study...

ohhhhh && i really really hope i get to see my man in 3 weeks! That would be so so grand! :]

Current mood: blah

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

12:40PM - it's been a while...

so I haven't written in this damn thing since--well forever it seems...last christmas break i guess it was.
But, I miss using it...forgot how good it feels to just let my thoughts flow freely on here.

where do i begin?
Life is really good right now.
not EXACTLY perfect...
BUT, nonetheless...there are many reasons why i can be happy right now.

As of yesterday I finally realized that I'm really and truly growing up.
I'm learning so much about myself, & it feels damn good.
I feel like through the years I always THOUGHT i had a grip on myself...
& not that I have serious issues...it's just that, being around certain individuals has caused me to kind of put myself and others i care about most on the backburner.
Something I never really thought I'd do.
But, I guess we all change.
life is certainly a rollercoaster ride, i know that much.
I love life though.
I have so much to be happy about.
So many things to feel proud of.

Amongst all these new self revelations though, I can't help but wonder...what next?
I really look forward to my future...for so many reasons.
Don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying the college life.
I'm so ready to get out there.
Most importantly, I can't wait to be with the person who lights up my life.
Torrey Justin Clark.

What that name means to me.
WHAT it does to me.

I could go on & on about him, but...I'm gonna paraphrase my feelings into a few sentences.
& to put it simply...
He's my rock.
There is no one I've met in my life who has been able to make me feel so alive.
He brings about the best in me...& I think a lot has to do w/ the fact that he really truly knows me, and believes in me...and wants whats best for me.
And i do him.

To all the girls out there--that ponder the idea of really EVER finding that ONE person in their life who is meant for them--aka their "soul mate"...
don't rush it.
That's really the best advice i can say.
Other than the most obvious...
don't settle...
hold your morals and values you've been raised with--what truly makes you YOU= close to your heart.
don't give up on love.
i believe there's someone out there for everyone.
sometimes it takes years to find that special someone.
Don't set "plans" like most UNREALISTIC people do in life.
ya know, those individuals who like to say--ohhh i wanna be married by this age--or in this many years--
just think about those old lyrics "you can't hurry love...noo..you just have to wait"
u really do.
cuz when it finally comes to you...
believe me,
your gonna be glad you did. :]

&& pretty much i'm gonna leave this LJ entry at that.

so yea...
g'night ;]

Sunday, April 3, 2005

3:20AM - FUCKIN AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!





Current mood: exhausted

Thursday, March 3, 2005

11:20PM - dude

Ok..epitaph was fun...despite the fact that Miguel Rafael decided that it started at 9:30..and didnt want to believe me that it started at 8...luckily...thanks to riths help....we got there just in time and got to see Motioncity Soundtrack...which was totally awesome..they rocked......too bad we missed from first to last tho....but we saw matchbook romance..which..in my opinion..sucked a big fat one...cept for one song.....anyways....AF is goin pretty good..Im really really gettin the whole closin thing ma jig now....finally gettin it under control.....a little behind on school work bc of the job...but ill manage....Been havin some fun ass nights lately too..thats always good stuff....rachel sneed..omg...she is the goofiest girl ever..I LOVE HER....her, bryce, brenda, and james brooks...omg...they crack my shit up...so far weve had some good times....rachel started this tribe thing....Billygoat tribe to be exact hahaha....its soo gay..but cool at the same time lol...its soo funny...we all have names...and theres like 20 of us or so..its great lol...I forgot mine tho..its like in french or somethin...who speaks french anyways..??...anyways...got to see Judys ass...it was fun..went to McGuires..havent been there in forever.......havent really gotten to hang with kara....i was over it..now im not..i know im gay...but i was thinkin...i remember last summer when she got soooo mad at me and refused to talk to me because she thought i was ignorin her and not including her when all my friends came in town.....which I was soo not doin...I always wanted to include her....and did usually....but it just pisses me off that like she got mad at me about shit like that and now she wont even give me the time of day...and i didnt do shit....uh whatever...people tell me to just blow her off..i just cant tho..it just makes me sad when i think about not bein friends anymore..we had a great friendship..im soo not into the talkin once every 2 weeks and hangin out once a month tho..im not into that shit..especially if she can make time for other people..and i can too..whats the point..i mean we live in the same fuckin town...omg..im soo done talkin about this shit....im out..Love to all

Current mood: frustrated

Sunday, February 20, 2005

11:24PM - abercrombie slave in the house

whats up home dawgs? A lot of shits been goin on lately..I have plenty to say..but Im not really in the mood for a long update....lemme just say being an abercrombie MIT gives me a profound respect for all of its managers....its redic....I now understand why everything is soo strict..and no wonder the company does so well...I really hope I can help turn the kid store around...and if I get sent to the adult store...then thats ok too..cuz its soo fast pace..and everyone knows what they should be doing...and shit gets done...unlike the kid store..kids stand around and fuckin talk all the time...and u have to harp on their asses..now I understand how it feels to be pissed at a brand rep...I just hope that all the brand reps will have respect for me cuz they knew me from when I was just a brand rep...atleast I kno hopefully the ones I recruit will listen and like me hehe...

as of everything else in my life..schools still ok...still waitin on fsu to accept me...got a call from Kristen Kennedy...she wants to live with me in Tally...just might take her up on that..known her as long as Ive lived here...never had any problems...so...that may work out..we'll just have to play it by ear....Me and mike are hittin up tally on fri for epitaph tour...im soo stoked its gonna be fuckin rad as hell..I wish I could go to the interpol concert with rachel from work..it would be fun..its in orlando tho and its on a sun..and i have school that i jsut cant miss...i kno mike wants to go tho..cuz he wants to see gene too..and genes prolly goin...but...oh well..school fuckin sucks..thats life...just cant wait till i go to fsu and get to go to all the rad shows in tally..cant wait...lucky u rith and judy..yall bitches get to fuckin party AND go to sweet shows.. i hate u ..lol...i love yall...anyways..not a whole lot more to say...well i could talk forever but i have mad homework and need to get shut eye..or else modern dance tomorrow night is gonna kick my ass....well love to all...have a great presidents weekend....OW sucks ass for not havin off....errrrr..PEACE

Current mood: crazy

Saturday, February 12, 2005

9:45PM - .....~*<3*~.....::""::.......~*<3*~....::''''..:....."''.:...@----{--------......



WHAT UP FOOLS? Hows life treatin ya?....I'm finally beginning to become less stressed now that ive cut my ties with Outback..Im soo friggen happpy that I dont have to go back and waitress there ever again....now im strictly an abercrombie slave....oh well the money's worth it.....

ANYWAYS...what did i do today....???......well i finally got to hang out with my long lost best friend KARA...it was pretty fun... I mean things were a bit awkward in the beginning and I'm sure she felt the same way...but we had fun...its hard to just act like nothing happened and be buddy buddy like we used to when we its been months since we've even seen eachother....I dunno how things will progress...I would like things to be like they used to..but I definitely do not see that happening any time soon...so I guess we will continue to talk maybe a couple times a month..if that...and maybe hang out once a month...I mean I want us to hang out more..and I wanna be able to make things close to how they used to be..I miss the old times...we used to have soo much fun together....but I just dont want to interfere anymore.....friends grow apart..and thats prolly what happened to us...I kno that shes head over heels with her beau....and really happy...and I just want her to make the decision in being friends with me again..I dont want to be a thorn in her side or a burden..I think she knows how I want things to be cool between us..and I think she knows I would make time for her whenever...even thru all the shit thats happened....I dunno....Im just happy I got to hang out with her...I think the reason why I just let Kara be that way with me..and the reason why I've let her say and do the things she did to me..is because I kno the real her...and sure she might have changed..but I think that sooner or later shell get it...and shell see that ive been a tru friend..Ive cared a lot...and I kno shes a good person.........I have fun with Crystal...we hang out a lot..but..I dunno somethings just different with hangin with her..and then hangin with kara..besides the fact that they are both totally different people...I just I dunno..its hard to explain...I guess a lot has to do with the fact that me and Kara are so much alike..and that we were absolutely insepreble...(sp?).........i dunno....this is beginning to sound way gay...way lesbianish..haha...... enough of the gay poetic drama shit...atleast we hung out....right?...RIGHT!....well I got my Miguel his Valentines and Birthday Presents....I hope he likes them....Hes a hard one to shop for..he never knows what he wants..........errrrrrrr. boys....bla bla bla.........omgz u kno what totally pisses me off?...when u go into a store like sharper image or best buy and all the workers/salesmen flock to you and never leave ur side..and fuckin latch themselves to ur hip and say can I help you..u lookin for somethin inpeticular?....Let me kno if I can help you?..bla bla bla..and they have smelly bad breath...and they tell you shit u already know..and they get you to buy the most expensive shit..and they are soo annoying..omg........sorry had to let that out...had it happen to me today..made me quite annoyed..I mean I kno they are tryin to gain commission..but jeeze laweez...I wanna pepper spray their asses...............anyways....Im bored...waitin for mike to get off........uhh..no hw.....no work......nothin........this sucks.......oh well........hope all is doin well.......take care......live it up! PEACE


P.S. I miss all my friends...I hate you all for havin soo much fun in college and getting to party everynight...I feel like such a friggen loser.......errrrr

Current mood: bored

Sunday, February 6, 2005

10:21PM - ...

Well Well Well...its been like forever since I've written in here.....Ive been extremely busy lemme tell you...Ever since my honey got home from Venezuela things have just been too perfect.....we couldnt be doing any better...schools goin fine..classes are not too hard.....I just got over the Flu which was absolutely horendous...(dunno if I spelt that right....but thankfully I didnt miss too much school...I did miss quite a bit of Modern Dance tho..and Im sure my instructor will chew me a new one tomorrow hen I go..but I just couldnt bring myself to dance and excercise so hard when I felt like utter shit....as far as work goes I'm now quitting Outback and going full time at Abercrombie..They offered me an M.I.T. position..which is pretty cool because its only offered to individuals who have their B.S.'s...so I feel special...and the district manager says she wants to make me assistant manager by summer..so thats pretty damn sweet....i'll be getting salary pay..which is 23 grand a year..so if I work 40 hrs a week we're talkin 800+ $$ in paychecks every two weeks.....pretty cool pretty cool...Im gonna have a lot of responsibility but I'm so ready..Im just sick of the restaurant business..its been my way of life since I was 15....so...anyways.....upcoming events:..Epitaph tour Feb 25th in tally...Its a must see..because Motion City Soundtrack, Scatter the Ashes, Matchbox Romance, and The matches will be there....very very cool...I just hope my new job allows me to go..they better Ill be soo pissed if they dont......umm what else....??...cant seem to remember what else I was gonna write..no biggy tho...but anyways.....

To some all of this up..my lifes goin pretty well lately...Im pretty happy....just hope mid terms turn out all right..and I hope I get accepted to FSU..and that my new job goes well.....well hope everyone is doing just as good..if not better....love to all!

P.S. oh yea..the restaurant Mike's been workin at is havin a renovation till the end of Feb...and his sister works at the COld Stone Creamery in Destin COmmons..and they offered Mike to be a "KEY HOLDER" which is pretty much an assistant manager..so he gets to pretty much run the place by himself.. the pays not that great but he seems to like it..its definitely a break from waking up early and cooking on a line in a hot kitchen...;)

Current mood: calm

Thursday, December 30, 2004

2:41PM - "Just another day without you..."

Okay..only 8 more days till my baby comes home....8's my lucky number..maybe I'll make some good money at work tonight then..or maybe just maybe somethin will be goin on tonight after work that I can get into....doubt it......well well well....nothin bigs been happenin lately..my grandpa just came in town yesterday tho...its his first christmas without my granny...I feel soo bad for him...I can tell he's sad...suprisingly since shes been gone hes less grumpier..I guess he feels that thats how she would want him to be...happy....He says that days are not so bad..but the evenings are what really makes things hard...lying in an empty bed....I feel so bad for him...I miss my granny...I'm suprised how strong hes been...I cant imagine losing anyone so close to me..let alone losing someone you love with all your heart and have been married to for a lifetime.....well as frank sinatra says.."thats life"....

well I still have some christmas shopping to do ..if you can believe that...but since Mikes not comin home till the 7th I figured I would wait..maybe hit up some of the after christmas sales..lol....this christmas has been way stressful...I didnt work so much..so I basically just pulled money from my account constantly...its gonna be a bitch to replenish..but It's somethin I gotta do..gotta save..ya know?..lol..im gay..oh well nothin really to say...tomorrows new years eve..and I prob have to work because outback is a bitch...but no worries..as long as I dont have to close its all good..its gonna be sad tho if im at a party when the ball drops and everyone who has a significant other gets to kiss and I just stand there by my lonesome...so ..so..sad....oh well...hope everyone has a fun and SAFE new years...love to all

Current mood: complacent

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

4:12PM - =(

Well only 10 more days till my baby is back home.....I'm soo excited to see him.....its been a friggen lifetime without him..I miss him so so much....I really think things with us will be soo great when he comes back...absence really does make the heart grow fonder and its really opened my eyes to how much I really feel for Mike inside...It almost scares me because I know next fall we will be going our own directions in life..and I just don't kno if I can bear being away from him for a long time again....He's such a great guy and I feel truly blessed to have him in my life...awwwwwwwwww...::tear::...haha...
Enough of that mushy nonsense....I'm about to head out to work real soon..but tonight theres gonna be a kegger so that should be fun....last night was a kegger..and the night before we all went to blue point..it was fun...I'm glad that my friends are here and that there is so much going on..that way I'm not sittin at home on my arse feelin sorry for myself cuz my man is gone....its been good times tho...and I'm sure new years will be fun too...I kno someone will have somethin up their sleeve...someone will get a house or something...someone always does....well I dont have much more to say....so hope everyones x-mas break is totally awesome....love to all

Current mood: excited

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

3:09AM - J.J.K. fo life!

I'm really really friggen tired so this is gonna be a quickie....

Today was absolutely one of the best nights I've had in a while..just soo much fun...Mikes out of town..and I miss him soo much..so I needed a night like this to keep my mind off of him so I don't get sad...

I went to Jades house during the day..and he wasnt home..so me and Kirk chilled...I might buy one of his sweet paintings of George Harrison...then we got some milkshakes..then Jade came home..we ate dinner with the fam..then our totally nuts night began..

The things we did...words can't describe how fun it was...
We decided that since we have lived in Niceville like practically our whole lives we should make sure that we go to absolutely every place there is to go to at night before we go away for school...
It was hillllarrrrious..lemme tell u...we made a list of crazy things we should do...we first went to this old shitty small as hell bar called bayou pub...we walked in ..and there were like 10 people in there..prolly the same 10 that hang out there every night..they all stared at us like we were aliens..it was soo like one of those crazy scenes in a movie when the main character walks into a bar they've never been to, and everyone inside turns and stops to stare at them, and the music cuts off..it was hilarious...they asked us if we wanted some pepsi..and then they just stared at us..we felt gay..so we left...from there our journey took us to "THE MATADOR"...i dunno how that place came up..but neither of us had been to a strip club..let alone the nasty notorious MATTY...so we approached the door and after 20 minutes of deliberating who would open the friggen door, and the security guard inside watching us the whole time during out deliberation on the hidden camera, we finally went in..and then after we heard how much the cost at the door was we hurried on out...from there our crazy journey led us to getting a sweet ass waffle house x-mas pin from an old lady in waffle house (bc we lied and said we were doing a scavenger hunt) to subway where we got a can of parmesan cheese with our same scavenger hunt story..then to a kareoke bar which only did kareoke on fri. and sat. nights..but we then again mentioned our fake scavenger hunt and they let Kirk get up and belt out the song "Fuck you" by Eamon..it was hillarious...from there we stole a sign from merlins..a sign from burger king..got a sticker from mcdonalds...and then we realized it was too late to call dominoes and order 10 pizzas to send to the lueperts house as a joke...so we decided the next best thing would be to send taxi drivers..but it didnt quite work out....the ending of our night lasted at the computer searching crazy things on ebay...we were tired and bored...but we had a crazy ass night...i kno a lot of it sounds lame..but those guys are soo much fun...anything would be a good time with them!...oh well..:;yawn:: this was suppose to be short..I'm gay..and tired...my b-day's in 2 days! =)..........I miss my honey =(..hope hes havin fun....well night to all....

Current mood: exhausted

Thursday, December 16, 2004

2:18PM - Woo Hoo!!!!!

OMG I am soo friggen relieved! Today I took my last exam..and it was in math...I didnt study as hard as I should have..but math is just one subject I just can't study for..If I know it..then I know it...If I don't know it, I just can't study enough till I do....but I did my best..and all I can do is pray that I get a B in the class. Other then that my day is extremely boring..I just lounged around ..and now I'm gettin ready to go to work..which is soo lame..but I deal with it...Back Closing is the absolute worst though...and I have to do that tonight =(...I hate cleaning anything in the damn kitchen..it sucks...but hopefully I'll make some dough...so I won't be too upset at the end of the night...and I'm not quite done with my x-mas shopping yet so that would be nice...

I'm soo sad though..my bf leaves Sat. for Venezuela. =(....Its soo gonna suck ass...no ones gonna be in town either...so Im just gonna be stuck at home..feeling like a loser.....

I'm totally over the thing with Kara now too....well I wouldnt say totally over..I mean I think about her..and I get real pissed off that she promised me should would call me and discuss whats been goin on and she never did...and its been days...and now I just know that theres no use in trying..Ive given her soo many damn chances to prove like she gives a shit..I dunno what her deal is..shes being completely immature..I mean if u dont care about me anymore as a friend..your "best friend"..(which she has no reason not to care..shes just obsessed with her damn bf)...then why the hell do u say u do..and not call?...its such bull shit..and soo friggen gay..so Ive just come to realize that I don't need a friend like that anyways..Right?....

OH welll..I'm not gonna let that gay shit ruin my night...or my last couple days with my honey...;)...I can't wait till tomorrow...hes gonna take me out for my b-day cuz hes not gonna be in town for it...I love gettin dressed up all nice and goin out..so much fun!...well thats about it...good luck to everyone who still has exams...and those who dont anymore..hope u did spectacular! =)..love to all

Current mood: accomplished

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

11:26AM - 4 more days till my Miguel leaves........=(

O.K....I have to say that things are a lot better then they were since last time I wrote in my lj....I was just having a really bad night..and really PMSing...(u girls know how emotional we can get during that time)....but anyways...I have to say that I am quite content right now...and a little anxious at the same time....I took the first part of my math exam today...I studied mad hard..and I pretty much think I mad a 70 or so on it..bc it was only 10 questions and I kno for a fact that I missed 3 right off the bat for stupid mistakes...dont u just hate that?...no matter how hard I study..I just have the worst test taking skills...I get real bad test anxiety....it sucks ass...but anyways...if I make atleast a 75 on the next part then I will have a B..so I'm not too worried anymore...I'm just real anxious to get it overwith..the suspense is killng me..;)....Tomorrow I have my Ethics exam..and then I'm done with all school!!!!!!!..I'm so happy its almost all overwith..I'm so ready to begin x-mas vacation..except I wish my bf could stay here and not have to fly to Venezuela for 2 1/2 weeks..:(....I'm gonna miss him..we're doin soo well right now...I just hate how I overreact and get soo emotional and stupid when my period comes...I always blow stupid crap out of proportion...I'm glad he puts up with me...he knows how crazy chicks are tho..he lives with 3......hes my baby..he makes me soo happy...I'm soo excited bc on friday hes taking me to the Melting Pot in P'cola for my B-day!...It'll be sooo romantic.. hehe..ima dork..but after being with someone for soo long..and still having those great feelings of excitement..and that warm feeling you get when everything is soo romantic.. is just soo undescribable..=)..but anyways...still not done with x-mas shopping...Mike and I got a lot done yesterday..but I'm still not quite finished...Christmas shopping can be real hectic..but its soo much fun...I love buying gifts for everyone..anyways..this is getting way boring and cheasy..so im wrappin it up....love to all.......

Current mood: anxious

Sunday, December 12, 2004

12:45AM - "This is what I get for wanting more...for wanting more....."

"So I walk around with this rope in my hand...this rope in my hand..so I'll tie it around..and around..and around...."

Tonight was a crummy night...work sucked...except for the 112 dollar tip I got..but the check was 360..and the table was 7 old people who just camped out from 6:30-9:30..it was redic...anything less then 112 would have set me in a rage......but just when I thought things would get better...when my boyfriend comes into eat..im thinking..hell make me feel better....things took a turn for the worse.....he only did and said things to piss me off even more....my relationship with him is just soo confusing now...I love him when we're good..but when we're bad I just cant stand him..and I suppose thats normal..but the bad part is that even the littlist thing he does can piss me off like crazy!....I kno a lot has to do with my being stressed out with school..and on top of it I'm PMSing like crazy....plus the whole ordeal with Kara is neverending....I dunno...I just feel that everything just sucks right now for me...and I just dont kno when or if its going to get better....this christmas is going to be probably my worst...having no friends in town..and no boyfriend in town...I dont kno what I'm going to do...plus im not goin out of town..so Im stuck in this shit whole called Niceville....uhhhhhhhhhh......when does it ever end???.......I've been thinkin a lot lately...of the reasons why I'm so unhappy...and im beginning to ponder that maybe it's not the people who make me unhappy just me being unhappy with myself?..I dunno.....just seems nothin is going right in my life right now..and I just dont kno how someone could have such bad luck....I dunno......I'm done talking about it....Im going to bed...tomorrows a new day...

Current mood: stressed

Friday, December 10, 2004

2:16PM - When will the stress end?

OK, so all I have left to do now is that crappy Family Ethics paper, the exam, and then my math exam next week and then I have totally completed my Fall semester! woo hoo! I will be soo stoked when it is all over, I'm so going to celebrate.

Today I had lunch with my friend Danielle, we always try to meet eachother for lunch atleast once a week after our first classes. Shes a real good friend, and probably one of the only ones whos been pretty true to me through the years. It really stinks after highschool to realize the friends who really matter and then the ones who really dont care about you as you do them. But Ive just come to realize that I get along way better with guys, and girls are just too much to handle. I know that I can be a lil drama queen here and there, I mean we're women, we all do, its called PMS. But the thing I think that differs me from a lot of my friends is how sesitive and compassionate I really am. I dont mean to sound conceeded but I feel like I do more for my friends then they do me, I feel like I'm there for a lot of my friends when they arent always there for me, I think ultimately I end up looking like a sappy little retard, who lets everyone walk all over me, when really I try to put myself out there as someone very strong. I like to think that I go by the saying, "burn me once, shame on you, burn me again, shame on me." But lately I've come to realize that that old adage doesnt quite suit me as well as I thought. Although a part of me I guess likes to forgive and forget, its like Im torn between the two. My best friend Kara hasnt really made time for me since she got her boyfriend, and Ive just been really annoyed and exhausted with telling her how I feel all the time, and giving her plenty of chances to turn her words into actions. I mean she says that she feels like she is in her "own world" with her bf, and that she does care about me, yet she never makes an initiative to prove that to me. She cant even pick up a phone to say hey! It sucks to think that my own best friend probably needs to use post its to remember to think about me, or pick up a phone to hang out! I know that she is really content with her boyfriend, especially because she hasnt had the privelege of having someone there like that (except me) for awhile. I'm happy for her, don't get me wrong, but I think that there should be a happy medium. Ive never had a problem with spending equal amount of time with my friends and my boyfriends. I dont understand why it is so hard for her. I mean they've been together for 6 months, enough if enough already..sheesh! I dunno...after talking to my friend Danielle at lunch about it, she ultimately told me that what I was going to have to do now happened to be somethin I've been dreading for a while. She told me I should let Kara know that this is it, if she cares about me like she says then she needs to prove it, no more games. You can't go on saying you care for someone, and then completely ignore them. She told me that this would be the last chance, and my last hope for Kara to realize what shes doing, and if she really wants our friendship to continue then she needs to make a decision. I hate feeling like I'm giving an ultimatum to my own best friend, but yet I am not going to wait around till they either break up, or 6 more months down the road till she realizes I was her only true friend (let alone pretty much her only girlfriend). All I can do is hope for the best.

Enough of that drama....now I have more school drama...I finished applying to FSU today, I still have to have my highschool transcripts sent so they can see that I took my foreign language, but other then that I'm pretty much done. Thats alot of weight lifted off my shoulders. Although I forgot, one more thing I have to worry about. I have to get either atleast a B in this math class I'm taking and a C in the next one I will take, and vice versa if i want to be excempt from the CLAST. I sooo hope I dont have to take that friggen exam! I have THE WORST test anxiety! I really hope I get a B in my class now,,and a C in the next one..Im gonna have to work hard..butI can do it! haha

Oh well..this was a pretty boring journal writing..but there ya go...my current boring life..itll get better once this semster is over..I kno it..I can feel it ;).....

errrrrrr...9 more days till my boyfriend leaves for Venezuela till Jan 3rd! =(...hes gonna miss my b-day, xmas, and new years..Im soo depressed....I hope that things will be better with me and Kara so I can atleast hang with my best friend..if not I have other friends..but It would be nice to have some old good times again with her....

Well thats about it..I'm off to Outback at 4:30..what fun!..I leave you with a couple Deep thoughts by Jack Handy! Chow! ;)

~"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
"Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see."~

Current mood: annoyed

Thursday, December 9, 2004

2:43PM - WHY NOT?

Ok...I'm not usually the "follower" type..but a lot of my friends are doin this nifty journal thing..and i'm like..hey WHY NOT?....I got some extra time on my hands here and there..why not jot down some interesting stuff that happens in my life..and let other folks read it?..(boy does that sound lame)...I like to write tho..so..this should be interesting......

Well..lets see....as of today..I'm currently close to being done with all my exams! The weight will soon be lifted frometh my shoulderseth! haha...god im such a dork..im so bored..i had a math test today...and my exam will be on tues..but my gay teacher decided to be creative and make it a 2 day test..so we come on tues for the first half and on thurs for the 2nd..whata bia...and hmm what else..oh..in psychology we had a damn party...please! How old are we? People all brought food and just sat, ate and talked..It's really crazy that we are in college and we still continue to do the lame "last day of class" parties....but oh yea..I have to write this paper in Ethics..its a Family Ethics paper..and its totally gonna be easy..but I'm a tad disturbed in what the material has to contain. My teacher wants us to write about when we get older and have children how we will discipline them, and who will be the one to discipline them, the husband or the wife, and who gets the final say in the household..and so on. But what really urks me, is that my teacher wants us to describe the scenario when our husband in the future wants to have "intercourse" with us, and we don't want to!!!!!!! Yea..pretty disturbing..why does he care? I dont feel that that is important, or that I am learning anything from that. I believe its pretty personal..and very rediculous..but I'm not suprised..this is coming from a teacher who assigned a paper the first day that required us to watch porn, or a movie that contained sexual acts, and then write whether or not it "turned us on." That was a total shocker..it's pretty funny to me that the class is ethics.. and the damn teacher is asking us of something that happens to be (in my eyes) very unethical! I dunno..maybe I'm just too conservative or just a plain lamo...but he really weirds me out..especially because hes not married..hes wayyyyy fat..and has missing teeth..hes gross!...I'm sure he goes home and does the deed with our papers..lol...who knows.....
Well enough about my teacher and his "carnal lesson plan." By next Tues. all the stress will be overwith..and I can celebrate! I havent really gone out out in a while..so I'm in dying need of a good time with the girls....it just sucks that my bestest friend in the world has a bf shes practically married to...and can't seem to breakaway from for even one night or two!...I hope it will soon stop..I miss her..we barely even talk anymore..I'm happy that shes happy with someone, but at the same time, I dont think shes gonna marry this guy, and I think regardless she should still manage to make time for her friends..atleast her best friend...I dunno..we'll see what happens....I can only hope for the best...
Well thats it for today...hope it wasnt TOO boring...but it was a first...perhaps my life will get intersting real soon and i'll have something fun to write about! Love to ALl!

Current mood: close to content...